I sat down to get all ready to blog about my first week of Biggest Loser and remembered that I needed to call the gym and reserve the racquetball court for tonight! (done.)
Let me start by saying, seeing positive results is so rewarding and motivating! My starting weight according to the scale at Wholesome Goods last week was 243.4lbs, and after a week of increased excersizing and making better eating choices I weighed in this morning at 238.4lbs! I lost 5lbs this week! According to the website I found that calculates weight loss percentages thats equal to 2.05%! I am totally excited about that, and still at the same time have mixed feelings... from my previous experiences watching the show Biggest Loser, I know that contestants the first week always have massive weight loss... and then it slows down from there. I don't want to slow down, that would be so awesome if I can just do the slow & steady wins the race thing and keep up this downward progression. Of course it would have been AMAZING to see a double digit number... something to blow everyone out of the water, but I LOST 5 LBS and that is what I need to remember!
So--recap:
I made it to the gym Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday (lost a game of racquetball 15-11, I'll get him tonight!) and Friday. Saturday Ashlyn & I played some Just Dance 3 on our PS3 and got the heart rate up, Sunday I went for a walk with Elijah in the jogging stroller, and last night I did nearly an hour of cardio at the gym.
We also had a few downfalls... but in the big picture they weren't really downfalls. Saturday we had burgers from Bud's Jolly Cone for lunch. I had a regular cheeseburger and only stole a fry or two from the kids, didn't order my own. I've also had a few mixed drinks, a starbucks and some oreos. I think its good that I know myself... I'm not so good at dieting and going without, but it looks like the choices I am making are making a difference and as long as I keep seeing positive results it will be easier to stay on track and be a real competitor throughout this competition.
(Can I just say I am SO hoping that they will post everyone's percentages from week 1?! I know I'll be motivated by seeing where I stand comparatively.)
My goal for this week will be to get my mile on the treadmill under 14:30... that should totally be a goal I can reach! Also, with Bob's son Andrew coming to visit us Thurs-Mon, I'm hoping to keep along the path of not over eating junk that my body doesn't need.
I ordered a new bra for working out, it would be nice if it would show up before Saturday when its scheduled to arrive, because right now I only have one sports bra and I have to double up with a regular bra too in order to keep the girls somewhat contained. Maybe a 5lb weight loss is worthy of a new workout outfit (or a pedicure!)
.... Stay Tuned!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Biggest Loser
For most of my life I have been blessed with being tall and slender (if slender is a word that you can use for a big girl)... I've never been small, or petite by any means. I'm 5'11" and have always stood in the back row for school pictures :) I've never struggled with dieting or been overly concerned with body image. Fast forward to nearly 30 years old and 3 babies later and I'm not so happy with this body of mine anymore, my once extremely active metabolism must be taking a bit of a hiatus!
I'm still not concerned with trying to be skinny, or a specific number on the scale, but I want to FEEL GOOD. (and I would really like my cute jeans to fit comfortably!) I fell to peer pressure on Tuesday and signed up with some other local peeps for a Biggest Loser competition. It was a $40 buy in, and will pay out prizes for 1st, 2nd & 3rd place. We're pinching pennies the best we can these days, and I got a phone call within the last week that the child support I am so thankful to receive will be disappearing for the near future while Ashlyn's dad is out of work with a shoulder injury.. thankfully I've got a very supportive family though and my parents offered to "sponsor" me in this competition! They know first hand that I'm pretty competitive and motivated by money, lol. I'm hoping to be able to pay them back with my winnings!
Anyway, now for the specifics! I weighed in on Tuesday at 243.4 (a little heavier than on my scale at home, so I'm going to try and not weigh myself at all in between.) This competition lasts for 6 weeks with weekly weigh-ins. Now I'm thankful that we never followed through with canceling our gym membership even though we had considered it for the time being while we're trying to watch our budget very closely.
I'm going to keep reminding myself that 6 weeks is a short period of time in the grand scheme of things, and I can do anything I put my mind to when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew going in that the biggest struggle I will have will be each night after the kids are in bed and we relax and watch our shows, thats my biggest downfall--munchie time for sure! I'm not trying to follow any diet during this competition and instead focus on eating healthy foods, portion sizes and general awareness. I don't do well with cutting things out entirely and I don't want to set myself up to fail. I'm trying to drink more water and less soda/juice/alcohol. Last night on my way home from the gym I had to stop at the store for coffee creamer, and I picked up strawberries, bananas and yogurt. (so what if I dipped them in the new chocolate cream cheese, right?)
My overall goals for this 6 week period are:
15lb + total weight loss
10 minute mile on the treadmill (I was at 15:20 last night)
30+ gym visits or approx 5x/week
FITTING INTO MY XLONG MAURICE JEANS (that still have the tags on them)
.... and being the Biggest Loser would be pretty darn cool too :)
3 days in and I'm feeling like I've done pretty well... 40 mins of cardio day 1 and day 2 and a racquetball court for Bob and I reserved at the gym tonight! The real challenge will be sticking to it, and making good habits that will carry over after the competition has ended.
I'm still not concerned with trying to be skinny, or a specific number on the scale, but I want to FEEL GOOD. (and I would really like my cute jeans to fit comfortably!) I fell to peer pressure on Tuesday and signed up with some other local peeps for a Biggest Loser competition. It was a $40 buy in, and will pay out prizes for 1st, 2nd & 3rd place. We're pinching pennies the best we can these days, and I got a phone call within the last week that the child support I am so thankful to receive will be disappearing for the near future while Ashlyn's dad is out of work with a shoulder injury.. thankfully I've got a very supportive family though and my parents offered to "sponsor" me in this competition! They know first hand that I'm pretty competitive and motivated by money, lol. I'm hoping to be able to pay them back with my winnings!
Anyway, now for the specifics! I weighed in on Tuesday at 243.4 (a little heavier than on my scale at home, so I'm going to try and not weigh myself at all in between.) This competition lasts for 6 weeks with weekly weigh-ins. Now I'm thankful that we never followed through with canceling our gym membership even though we had considered it for the time being while we're trying to watch our budget very closely.
I'm going to keep reminding myself that 6 weeks is a short period of time in the grand scheme of things, and I can do anything I put my mind to when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew going in that the biggest struggle I will have will be each night after the kids are in bed and we relax and watch our shows, thats my biggest downfall--munchie time for sure! I'm not trying to follow any diet during this competition and instead focus on eating healthy foods, portion sizes and general awareness. I don't do well with cutting things out entirely and I don't want to set myself up to fail. I'm trying to drink more water and less soda/juice/alcohol. Last night on my way home from the gym I had to stop at the store for coffee creamer, and I picked up strawberries, bananas and yogurt. (so what if I dipped them in the new chocolate cream cheese, right?)
My overall goals for this 6 week period are:
15lb + total weight loss
10 minute mile on the treadmill (I was at 15:20 last night)
30+ gym visits or approx 5x/week
FITTING INTO MY XLONG MAURICE JEANS (that still have the tags on them)
.... and being the Biggest Loser would be pretty darn cool too :)
3 days in and I'm feeling like I've done pretty well... 40 mins of cardio day 1 and day 2 and a racquetball court for Bob and I reserved at the gym tonight! The real challenge will be sticking to it, and making good habits that will carry over after the competition has ended.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I found my BLISS
... inspired by Amy @ amysfinerthings.com blog post I Found My Bliss --
My bliss is wearing a long blue skirt and a shirt that actually matches! My bliss is playing with a motorcycle and his "Bumblebee" car from Transformers. My bliss is scooting himself across the floor in order to get nose to nose with his buddy Dallas. My bliss is soaking in a scalding hot bath to relax after work today and then coming home to deal with my stress regarding the car. My bliss is waiting at the airport to fly home to more of my bliss that is probably already on his way to pick her up. My bliss is in the fact that saying goodbye to Mom/Grandma Jo wasn't as hard as usual today because we know she will be back to visit in less than 6 short weeks! My bliss is in having family and friends to accept and love me and my family despite some of the wacky decisions I have made over the years. My bliss is in the roof over our heads, the food in our pantry, and the numbers printed in black ink (not red) in our bank accounts.
My bliss is in the memories we make and the laughter and smiles we share.
My bliss in the life I am blessed to live and I love when something prompts me to remember to be thankful for every thing I have.
My bliss is wearing a long blue skirt and a shirt that actually matches! My bliss is playing with a motorcycle and his "Bumblebee" car from Transformers. My bliss is scooting himself across the floor in order to get nose to nose with his buddy Dallas. My bliss is soaking in a scalding hot bath to relax after work today and then coming home to deal with my stress regarding the car. My bliss is waiting at the airport to fly home to more of my bliss that is probably already on his way to pick her up. My bliss is in the fact that saying goodbye to Mom/Grandma Jo wasn't as hard as usual today because we know she will be back to visit in less than 6 short weeks! My bliss is in having family and friends to accept and love me and my family despite some of the wacky decisions I have made over the years. My bliss is in the roof over our heads, the food in our pantry, and the numbers printed in black ink (not red) in our bank accounts.
My bliss is in the memories we make and the laughter and smiles we share.
My bliss in the life I am blessed to live and I love when something prompts me to remember to be thankful for every thing I have.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Now thats better....
I have a great boyfriend. He is so good about understanding that I need to get out of the house (and that I usually prefer to do that without dragging any kids along with me!) Recently it has seemed that I will run out to the grocery store or CVS when he gets home from work to pick up a few things on my list, or something we need for dinner. But other than that, we haven't been out and about too much lately. There are benefits to that--mainly saving money on gas and all those other things we spend money on when we leave the house, but I think there are cons to staying home all the time too--I start getting a little stir crazy, grumpy and irritable.
Last night when he got home from work I told him I wanted all of us to go out. He didn't seem to thrilled, but was willing to go along with what I was asking. I know when he gets home from working all day that he wants to relax. Its a hard balance for us, because when he gets home I'm ready to DO something because I have been home all day. Last night we drove down to Corning and had burgers, fries and a shake at the Giant Burger DriveIn and then took Dannon & Eli to check out the Woodson Bridge park. It is so shady and nice there! Dannon played for a bit on the playground and then we wandered down to the river where he threw rocks for a good half an hour or more. Then we loaded back into the car and drove across the road to drive through the campground area and check that out for a possible future camping trip. All in all we were gone no more than 2-2.5 hours but it was so nice! We were able to talk and smile, enjoy the boys, cool off a bit and it left me feeling rejuvenated!
Bob bathed Dannon when we got home, and after his bath Dannon crawled into bed on his own without any of the usual night time issues. Elijah wasn't quite so easy, but we were able to watch Hells Kitchen & Hoarders while we fed and held Eli and then got us all to bed around 11pm. The best news of all was even though poor Bob had to get up at 430 and head to the coast for a 9am appointment this morning, Elijah slept until nearly 7am!! I was a little engorged and feeling full when I woke up, but the mostly uninterrupted sleep was worth any slight discomfort. I feel good this morning and I know its a combination of getting out with my family last night for a change of pace and a full night's sleep. YAY!
I think we need to implement a weekly family outing. Something we can do without breaking the bank, but necessary for everyone's happiness (ahem, sanity!)
Last night when he got home from work I told him I wanted all of us to go out. He didn't seem to thrilled, but was willing to go along with what I was asking. I know when he gets home from working all day that he wants to relax. Its a hard balance for us, because when he gets home I'm ready to DO something because I have been home all day. Last night we drove down to Corning and had burgers, fries and a shake at the Giant Burger DriveIn and then took Dannon & Eli to check out the Woodson Bridge park. It is so shady and nice there! Dannon played for a bit on the playground and then we wandered down to the river where he threw rocks for a good half an hour or more. Then we loaded back into the car and drove across the road to drive through the campground area and check that out for a possible future camping trip. All in all we were gone no more than 2-2.5 hours but it was so nice! We were able to talk and smile, enjoy the boys, cool off a bit and it left me feeling rejuvenated!
Bob bathed Dannon when we got home, and after his bath Dannon crawled into bed on his own without any of the usual night time issues. Elijah wasn't quite so easy, but we were able to watch Hells Kitchen & Hoarders while we fed and held Eli and then got us all to bed around 11pm. The best news of all was even though poor Bob had to get up at 430 and head to the coast for a 9am appointment this morning, Elijah slept until nearly 7am!! I was a little engorged and feeling full when I woke up, but the mostly uninterrupted sleep was worth any slight discomfort. I feel good this morning and I know its a combination of getting out with my family last night for a change of pace and a full night's sleep. YAY!
I think we need to implement a weekly family outing. Something we can do without breaking the bank, but necessary for everyone's happiness (ahem, sanity!)
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Garage Sale Saturday
Here I sit in our garage. Sweaty before the heat of the day has even really set in. Hosting a garage sale.
Garage Sales and I have a love/hate relationship! I love going to garage sales, I love cleaning out and getting rid of unnecessary things and making a few extra bucks, BUT... I hate the thought of actually having a garage sale. And I've discovered today that it was really the thought of doing this that I hated more than actually doing it. Granted, I've only been "open" for business for 1 hour and 20 minutes, but its been a success this far!
.... we return to this blog post after breaking for breastfeeding (inside, lol)
Anyway, to resume where I was at, this morning I prayed and asked God to bless this sale. I need to spend more time being thankful for our many blessings, and work on improving the relationship I have with God. I want to be able to pass our blessings on, and I feel like today I am getting a chance to do that by having very low asking prices and accepting decent offers! In the first 30 minutes I sold almost all of the clothes that Ashlyn has outgrown for 25 cents each. I'm not making the big bucks off a single item, but I hope that there will be some happy little girls going back to school with new to them clothes that they love!
One girl picked up a textbook that I had layed out with the other 25 cent books... and then asked if I had wifi so she could check to see if it was the one she needed for her class that starts in the fall. I offered up the use of my laptop and let me tell you how excited she was to see that its the book that she needs (that costs over $120 new she said) I had the 10th edition, she needs the 11th edition. I told her to ask her instructor if the 10th edition would work. More than likely the only difference may be the page numbering... if she can use that book, 25 cents was a blessing!
I have a few things that if they don't sell today I will post on craigslist or ebay, but for other items I am hoping to make a donation to the local women's shelter and the one nice backpack we have out in the sale I'll fill with school supply freebies and donate to one of the schools. I am thankful that I can share our blessings (and still make a few extra bucks!)
I'm hoping to pay for the oil to be changed in the Trailblazer before we head up to WA later this week, maybe buy a few more cloth diapers/supplies for my trial run with Little E and have some pocket money for our trip to the ocean! Every little bit helps, and I feel good when I can contribute to our family financially.
Garage Sales and I have a love/hate relationship! I love going to garage sales, I love cleaning out and getting rid of unnecessary things and making a few extra bucks, BUT... I hate the thought of actually having a garage sale. And I've discovered today that it was really the thought of doing this that I hated more than actually doing it. Granted, I've only been "open" for business for 1 hour and 20 minutes, but its been a success this far!
.... we return to this blog post after breaking for breastfeeding (inside, lol)
Anyway, to resume where I was at, this morning I prayed and asked God to bless this sale. I need to spend more time being thankful for our many blessings, and work on improving the relationship I have with God. I want to be able to pass our blessings on, and I feel like today I am getting a chance to do that by having very low asking prices and accepting decent offers! In the first 30 minutes I sold almost all of the clothes that Ashlyn has outgrown for 25 cents each. I'm not making the big bucks off a single item, but I hope that there will be some happy little girls going back to school with new to them clothes that they love!
One girl picked up a textbook that I had layed out with the other 25 cent books... and then asked if I had wifi so she could check to see if it was the one she needed for her class that starts in the fall. I offered up the use of my laptop and let me tell you how excited she was to see that its the book that she needs (that costs over $120 new she said) I had the 10th edition, she needs the 11th edition. I told her to ask her instructor if the 10th edition would work. More than likely the only difference may be the page numbering... if she can use that book, 25 cents was a blessing!
I have a few things that if they don't sell today I will post on craigslist or ebay, but for other items I am hoping to make a donation to the local women's shelter and the one nice backpack we have out in the sale I'll fill with school supply freebies and donate to one of the schools. I am thankful that I can share our blessings (and still make a few extra bucks!)
I'm hoping to pay for the oil to be changed in the Trailblazer before we head up to WA later this week, maybe buy a few more cloth diapers/supplies for my trial run with Little E and have some pocket money for our trip to the ocean! Every little bit helps, and I feel good when I can contribute to our family financially.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Reaching for a Better Day
Whew. What a relief.... today has been a much better day so far!
My day started earlier than I would have liked, Bob was up around 430 am so that he could be on the road by 5 to make his 9am appointment on the coast on time. Lucky me, Baby E (aka Bottomless Pit) woke up shortly thereafter and then just as I was drifting back to dreamland after caring for the immediate needs of aforementioned child... Big Brother was up and moving! Thats just how it goes most mornings, boy do I welcome nap time...
I came up with a short list of goals for myself to complete this morning, and posted it on Facebook... because, well... because thats what my social-media-generation does.
I'm happy with myself because I completed probably about 60% of my goals. I did not complete #4, and instead got out all our bills and wrote down the list of what needs to be paid when the man of the house gets his paycheck deposited tomorrow. SMCU will get what they get. I'm behind on my car payment, but not FAR behind. I'm not going to stress and waste effort on that front. And I think that I've been mostly nice to my kids. I've yelled at Dannon a few times, but on the other hand I've also included him in the morning muffin making and then did some backyard golfing with him for a bit after getting Baby E to take a catnap.
The muffins turned out really good! To really pat myself on the back, I didn't give up after discovering that I didn't have an egg to use in the batter since I decided randomly to boil all the eggs we had in the fridge yesterday. Guess what is an acceptable subsitute for eggs when you're baking? 1/2 mashed banana. Works out perfectly when you're making banana muffins! :)
One minor hiccup in my morning's somewhat productive/calm ness was the ring of the doorbell... suprise! The postman (again, second time this week) with a letter from Bob's soon-to-be-ex wife's lawyer. Seriously. Why can't you figure out enough postage so that I don't have to rummage through my purse looking for correct change to give the postman standing on my doorstep in order to accept a letter I don't really want to accept anyway? Today I answered the door with a screaming baby, and decided to refuse the letter. Put the right amount of postage on the envelope and I promise one of us will get it out of our mailbox. I was irritated (but glad that I had put on pants this morning!)
Now if only the baby would go down for his nap. He was asleep. Now he is not. I think he's playing games with me.
I think in order to stay positive, motivated and not a complete crazed biotch I need to continue setting small, achievable goals for myself each day and do my absolute best to enjoy each day for what it is. It might be a great day, it might be a crummy one... but if I'm always feeling stress, disappointment and all the other negative feelings i've embraced I will never notice the little blessings I'm given each day.
My day started earlier than I would have liked, Bob was up around 430 am so that he could be on the road by 5 to make his 9am appointment on the coast on time. Lucky me, Baby E (aka Bottomless Pit) woke up shortly thereafter and then just as I was drifting back to dreamland after caring for the immediate needs of aforementioned child... Big Brother was up and moving! Thats just how it goes most mornings, boy do I welcome nap time...
I came up with a short list of goals for myself to complete this morning, and posted it on Facebook... because, well... because thats what my social-media-generation does.
I'm happy with myself because I completed probably about 60% of my goals. I did not complete #4, and instead got out all our bills and wrote down the list of what needs to be paid when the man of the house gets his paycheck deposited tomorrow. SMCU will get what they get. I'm behind on my car payment, but not FAR behind. I'm not going to stress and waste effort on that front. And I think that I've been mostly nice to my kids. I've yelled at Dannon a few times, but on the other hand I've also included him in the morning muffin making and then did some backyard golfing with him for a bit after getting Baby E to take a catnap.
The muffins turned out really good! To really pat myself on the back, I didn't give up after discovering that I didn't have an egg to use in the batter since I decided randomly to boil all the eggs we had in the fridge yesterday. Guess what is an acceptable subsitute for eggs when you're baking? 1/2 mashed banana. Works out perfectly when you're making banana muffins! :)
One minor hiccup in my morning's somewhat productive/calm ness was the ring of the doorbell... suprise! The postman (again, second time this week) with a letter from Bob's soon-to-be-ex wife's lawyer. Seriously. Why can't you figure out enough postage so that I don't have to rummage through my purse looking for correct change to give the postman standing on my doorstep in order to accept a letter I don't really want to accept anyway? Today I answered the door with a screaming baby, and decided to refuse the letter. Put the right amount of postage on the envelope and I promise one of us will get it out of our mailbox. I was irritated (but glad that I had put on pants this morning!)
Now if only the baby would go down for his nap. He was asleep. Now he is not. I think he's playing games with me.
I think in order to stay positive, motivated and not a complete crazed biotch I need to continue setting small, achievable goals for myself each day and do my absolute best to enjoy each day for what it is. It might be a great day, it might be a crummy one... but if I'm always feeling stress, disappointment and all the other negative feelings i've embraced I will never notice the little blessings I'm given each day.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I'm Struggling.
I think I should start a new blog and call it "(Not So) Super Mom" or how about "All The Things I Want to Do--But Don't" or "Great Expectations.... are killing me." Do you get the drift?
I am my own worst enemy, its cliche but true. I have these huge expectations for myself. I know some of them I get from the blogs that I read by women who seem to succeed at everything they attempt from loving their life as a stay at home mom, to saving thousands of dollars by couponing and deal shopping, to cloth diapering, exclusively breastfeeding, homeschooling, etc.... I admire these women who seem to be able to do everything and do it well. I want to have those accomplishments (well, maybe not the homeschooling part, a woman has to have some time to herself to look forward to eventually, right?!) Even just typing that right now makes me feel selfish.
I want to be this great all around loving, wife, mother, friend... but right from the get-go it seems like I've failed. I failed in the wife category. Granted, I know I wasn't married to the right match for me, but its still a failure in my eyes. I don't think that I'm a great mother. I think there are days that I try, and there are days that I give up. I take out my frusterations on my oldest child. She is the easiest to yell at... and its wrong. So wrong. I remember reading something once that said something like 'adults can brush off the negative things that their kids say about them, because we know its not true. But our children will hear and remember every mean, hurtful and negative thing we say about them forever.' I want my daughter to know that I love her and cherish her, that I think she's fun and that I want to spend time with her. Some days that feels like a stretch, and just admitting that to myself and here in a somewhat public forum scares the heck out of me!
I want to raise my children to feel loved, valued, and respected... to teach them compassion and patience.... show them how to be grateful in everything. How can I teach them those things when I don't model that for them every day? I need to be the one to set the standards for them, and not unreachable, unobtainable expectations. That is what I struggle with, I surely don't want to pass that on to any of my children.
Looking at my life from an outside point of view is almost sickeningly sweet.. I have it so easy! I have a boyfriend who supports me and my two kid that aren't his biological children. We live in a nice neighborhood in a nice house. He has a great job and I have been able to stay at home with the kids, waste time on the computer or what not all day, and generally just do my own thing. Probably at least the better half of the week he cooks dinner when he comes home, and nearly every time I ask he will watch the kids (all 3 of them now) if I need/want to get out for a bit. He has no expectations of me other than to love him and take care of the kids. Why can't I do those simple things better?
Why can't I have the house spotless every day?
Why can't I have dinner ready, or at least partially prepared for him?
Why can't I stick to a meal plan, a shopping list, a schedule, a budget... ?
Why can't I spend the day actually interacting and loving on my kids instead of getting irritated at hearing "no" for the hundredth time from my two year old, or feeling inconvenienced when I'm hiking up my shirt to feed the new baby (who by the way we've discovered is a bottomless pit.)
I am so disappointed in myself. I have it so easy, yet I can't be successful. I'm not happy with how I carry out each role I play. I want to be good at it all.
I start every day feeling so optimistic (once I've gotten out of bed and had a cup of coffee, of course). I get a few simple chores done in the morning, and then it always seems to go downhill from there.
I need to figure this out.
I need to do so much better.
I don't want to let anyone down.
I don't want these years to pass by and look back and realize I didn't enjoy my babies like I should.
I don't want every day to be a struggle.
I am my own worst enemy, its cliche but true. I have these huge expectations for myself. I know some of them I get from the blogs that I read by women who seem to succeed at everything they attempt from loving their life as a stay at home mom, to saving thousands of dollars by couponing and deal shopping, to cloth diapering, exclusively breastfeeding, homeschooling, etc.... I admire these women who seem to be able to do everything and do it well. I want to have those accomplishments (well, maybe not the homeschooling part, a woman has to have some time to herself to look forward to eventually, right?!) Even just typing that right now makes me feel selfish.
I want to be this great all around loving, wife, mother, friend... but right from the get-go it seems like I've failed. I failed in the wife category. Granted, I know I wasn't married to the right match for me, but its still a failure in my eyes. I don't think that I'm a great mother. I think there are days that I try, and there are days that I give up. I take out my frusterations on my oldest child. She is the easiest to yell at... and its wrong. So wrong. I remember reading something once that said something like 'adults can brush off the negative things that their kids say about them, because we know its not true. But our children will hear and remember every mean, hurtful and negative thing we say about them forever.' I want my daughter to know that I love her and cherish her, that I think she's fun and that I want to spend time with her. Some days that feels like a stretch, and just admitting that to myself and here in a somewhat public forum scares the heck out of me!
I want to raise my children to feel loved, valued, and respected... to teach them compassion and patience.... show them how to be grateful in everything. How can I teach them those things when I don't model that for them every day? I need to be the one to set the standards for them, and not unreachable, unobtainable expectations. That is what I struggle with, I surely don't want to pass that on to any of my children.
Looking at my life from an outside point of view is almost sickeningly sweet.. I have it so easy! I have a boyfriend who supports me and my two kid that aren't his biological children. We live in a nice neighborhood in a nice house. He has a great job and I have been able to stay at home with the kids, waste time on the computer or what not all day, and generally just do my own thing. Probably at least the better half of the week he cooks dinner when he comes home, and nearly every time I ask he will watch the kids (all 3 of them now) if I need/want to get out for a bit. He has no expectations of me other than to love him and take care of the kids. Why can't I do those simple things better?
Why can't I have the house spotless every day?
Why can't I have dinner ready, or at least partially prepared for him?
Why can't I stick to a meal plan, a shopping list, a schedule, a budget... ?
Why can't I spend the day actually interacting and loving on my kids instead of getting irritated at hearing "no" for the hundredth time from my two year old, or feeling inconvenienced when I'm hiking up my shirt to feed the new baby (who by the way we've discovered is a bottomless pit.)
I am so disappointed in myself. I have it so easy, yet I can't be successful. I'm not happy with how I carry out each role I play. I want to be good at it all.
I start every day feeling so optimistic (once I've gotten out of bed and had a cup of coffee, of course). I get a few simple chores done in the morning, and then it always seems to go downhill from there.
I need to figure this out.
I need to do so much better.
I don't want to let anyone down.
I don't want these years to pass by and look back and realize I didn't enjoy my babies like I should.
I don't want every day to be a struggle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)