I think I should start a new blog and call it "(Not So) Super Mom" or how about "All The Things I Want to Do--But Don't" or "Great Expectations.... are killing me." Do you get the drift?
I am my own worst enemy, its cliche but true. I have these huge expectations for myself. I know some of them I get from the blogs that I read by women who seem to succeed at everything they attempt from loving their life as a stay at home mom, to saving thousands of dollars by couponing and deal shopping, to cloth diapering, exclusively breastfeeding, homeschooling, etc.... I admire these women who seem to be able to do everything and do it well. I want to have those accomplishments (well, maybe not the homeschooling part, a woman has to have some time to herself to look forward to eventually, right?!) Even just typing that right now makes me feel selfish.
I want to be this great all around loving, wife, mother, friend... but right from the get-go it seems like I've failed. I failed in the wife category. Granted, I know I wasn't married to the right match for me, but its still a failure in my eyes. I don't think that I'm a great mother. I think there are days that I try, and there are days that I give up. I take out my frusterations on my oldest child. She is the easiest to yell at... and its wrong. So wrong. I remember reading something once that said something like 'adults can brush off the negative things that their kids say about them, because we know its not true. But our children will hear and remember every mean, hurtful and negative thing we say about them forever.' I want my daughter to know that I love her and cherish her, that I think she's fun and that I want to spend time with her. Some days that feels like a stretch, and just admitting that to myself and here in a somewhat public forum scares the heck out of me!
I want to raise my children to feel loved, valued, and respected... to teach them compassion and patience.... show them how to be grateful in everything. How can I teach them those things when I don't model that for them every day? I need to be the one to set the standards for them, and not unreachable, unobtainable expectations. That is what I struggle with, I surely don't want to pass that on to any of my children.
Looking at my life from an outside point of view is almost sickeningly sweet.. I have it so easy! I have a boyfriend who supports me and my two kid that aren't his biological children. We live in a nice neighborhood in a nice house. He has a great job and I have been able to stay at home with the kids, waste time on the computer or what not all day, and generally just do my own thing. Probably at least the better half of the week he cooks dinner when he comes home, and nearly every time I ask he will watch the kids (all 3 of them now) if I need/want to get out for a bit. He has no expectations of me other than to love him and take care of the kids. Why can't I do those simple things better?
Why can't I have the house spotless every day?
Why can't I have dinner ready, or at least partially prepared for him?
Why can't I stick to a meal plan, a shopping list, a schedule, a budget... ?
Why can't I spend the day actually interacting and loving on my kids instead of getting irritated at hearing "no" for the hundredth time from my two year old, or feeling inconvenienced when I'm hiking up my shirt to feed the new baby (who by the way we've discovered is a bottomless pit.)
I am so disappointed in myself. I have it so easy, yet I can't be successful. I'm not happy with how I carry out each role I play. I want to be good at it all.
I start every day feeling so optimistic (once I've gotten out of bed and had a cup of coffee, of course). I get a few simple chores done in the morning, and then it always seems to go downhill from there.
I need to figure this out.
I need to do so much better.
I don't want to let anyone down.
I don't want these years to pass by and look back and realize I didn't enjoy my babies like I should.
I don't want every day to be a struggle.
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